39 days after my last post was undeniably the biggest day of my life. I crossed that finish line in Langkawi, my family and friends cheered, tears of joy were streaming down my face, and I was walking on clouds! It was a phenomenal feeling, a sense of accomplishment so great, I even went on to write a book about it. In the world of Ironmen and Ironwomen, it’s not that great of an achievement, but in the world of Me, that’s pretty huge.
Now what? These days I feel a little hollow on the inside. It’s a strange and unsettling feeling, seeing that my hay days are no where near coming to an end. Heck, in 6 months I’m marrying the love of my life, something I have been dreaming of ever since I knew the meaning of boy girl relationships. I should be thrilled and enthusiastic about the months to come and the life ahead of me.
I am happy, though. Happy with what life has given me, with the people around me and the daily shindigs I get to dabble in. I am happy. But is it possible to be happy, yet…blank? I feel like I struggle to find meaning to train any more. Is that me being burnt out? Or is that just me being lazy? And not just that, I feel a little hopeless, to be honest. Hopeless that the economy of my country is rollercoasting downhill and I can’t do anything about it. Hopeless that impending hard times are unavoidable and I don’t have the smarts to grow my funds and guarantee sustainable living for myself in the future.
And I feel bored. I yearn to go bungy jumping, or abseiling, or white water rafting, or DO SOMETHING. It’s been so long since I had an adventure of any sort, something with uncertainties, something with a little bit of danger. I feel like I’m in dire need of solo backpacking, or adventure racing or just going for a nice camping trip.
Is this what post Ironman depression feels like? I read somewhere that people go through that. Or is this some quarter life turning-30 crisis thing? I don’t like seeing a number 3 in front of my age. Or is this just cold feet? (Technically we’re already married, and at that time I couldn’t be happier to sign the papers). Is the wedding THAT big a deal?
Yesterday while driving, I almost cried. CRIED! Tell me that’s not depression. What did I cry about? About the fact that I am no longer a hot, strong triathlete rockin’ it. Haha! Humour me please, even if you never thought so. :) It is blasphemy, but I almost cried when I thought about it. About how my glory days are over, the best has come and gone.
So silly right? Thank God Gary was there to hug me and cheer me up and got me laughing again in no time. I think I scared him. Does this mean I am predisposed to depression later in life?